4everinquisitive asked: the sweetest thing anyone has ever told me was what you said on skype the other day.. you're amazing!!!

I miss this…

Blue Crayon,

This is for you. I shall inform you, if you care to just read with me for a moment, that it took me three packs of cigarettes, forty eight hours, standing at the edge of a forty foot high cliff, wondering how it felt the moment before you jump, one bottle of water, one chicken sandwich, and three hours of driving to decide what to write here.

What does it take for me to say something cruel, unnecessary and untruthful? It takes someone to hit a really frayed nerve with one paragraph. Something that is so unbelievably honest that I automatically felt hurt, angry, frustrated, and despair.

Then during my bottle of water and chicken sandwich part of the discovery, I realized that you said it while you continued to tell me that you found me the most intelligent and independent person you’ve ever met. Which is about the time I realized why I was so hurt.

You have shown more belief in my writing, myself, and my endeavors then any singular person over the past few months. You’ve taken a time when I pushed away from the world and adapted a bond that I did not even consider would change my life.

So why does it hurt? Because you are the one person I hoped never to be disappointed in me. The one person that had such pride in me that I wanted to take pride in myself.

There has been other people in my life that I have loved just as much as you, dearest, but none of them have ever told me something like you did.

The thing that makes me not forget it, is that I realized that although you said it, you didn’t want me to be like this. It was not just a harsh statement in the middle of a fight. It was an honest opinion that you wished wasn’t true. And that, right there, reminded me how much you cared and how much I loved you.

So, let’s be honest for a second. I’m a mess. I’m probably hands down the most hopeless existentialist I have ever heard of. It’s been so much easier to shut down time and time again instead of dealing with this. It’s been easier to walk away instead of face it. Most people don’t fight. They just realize I am not the person they thought I could be, or they can’t handle me, and our friendship ceases to exist.

Dealing with hurt or frustration by making stupid choices has been a motif in my life for almost ten years, but it wasn’t always this way. Somewhere along the line I discovered that if I got high or drunk or just ridiculously cold, then I could find an excuse to make desperate attempts to change situations. Except, it never works.

The problem is, my friend, that you have seen to my core when I cannot. You have seen a part of myself that I always thought was just a result of being cold, and told me time and time again that it really was just me.

So, here’s the deal. I don’t want to be this person anymore. I want to be just me. It’s hard, you know? In a world where I am constantly told that my thinking is abnormal and that there might be some deep seeded mental disease in me, to just believe that I am outside of the flock. That I just have my own deep seeded analytical look on life, and more so, that is not a fault.

What is fault is the way I let them push me down. The way I beg to be able to change or help or be there for them. And then the way I simply cut myself off when they do what they’ve chosen to do. Most people’s fault is in being something they’re not, my fault is in being something I’m capable of, but is bred off depression and confusion and fear.

I am not sure where this conversation will find our friendship. I am not sure if it will be the same tomorrow, in a week, or ever again, but I do believe that you have given me something you haven’t even realized. You have given me a moment in which I finally understood that someone who said something that hurt me, was not bred out of hatred, but out of love.

My goal right now is to find me again, and to not let these things they’ve done kill me. However, I sincerely hope, somewhere along the way, I can make you proud.


I love you.

stopjohngreen:

fishingboatproceeds:

It’s not really about his religiosity, or even the way he uses his fame to evangelize. People, including me, are put off by Tebow because he is SINCERE, and cynical people dismiss all sincere worldviews, whether secular or religious.

Tebow exposes our cynicism. He is unafraid to care deeply and…

A gigantic and sincere “fuck you” to John Green for posting shit like this and trying to get people to view him as some kind of intellectual. Guess what? The fact that he thinks he is allowed to speak for everyone and claim that we are put off for Tebow’s sincerity is genuinely fucked up. How fucking dare this white, middle class man try and speak for the woman of color? For anyone other than other white, middle class men? For anyone but himself?

Go fuck yourself, John Green. 

And how dare you try to post this and then tack on something how “silly” football is just because you think you’re so much better than people who enjoy watching sports. Pretentious douchebags like this need to get called the fuck out 100% more of the time. 

Fucking white men thinking they get to speak for me. Sick of that shit.

My thoughts: I am a huge believer in critical thinking and, therefore, I am perhaps glad that this author can portray a thought outside of norm, I must, however, remind everyone that reads this blog that critical thinking does not involve mocking people who like it as “ this unhealthy obsession with riding john green’s pretentious cock. ” And it frankly amazes me that someone who has an entire blog about how we must not support this author for being sexist and having sexist portrayals to women (I won’t even bother saying why I don’t agree with that), can so easily mock anyone with a view that is against their own norm. Perhaps if you should write an entire rant about why someone is horrid, you might include such things as explanation, critical reasoning, and not allow such hatred to someone who isn’t like you, as that is just as prejudice as sexism. Also, I implore you to read a quote from Albert Einstein and practice it yourself:

"Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions."

548 notes

Time Changes.

This is it. This is the breaking point. This is the point where it becomes relevant about everything I’ve ever wondered and now have proven.

"Sweetie," He had said, "If they can’t accept you for who you are, they don’t deserve you. Sure, there’s this other side of you that’s not as rough, but it’s so compassionate and loyal it’s unbelievable. Anyone that’s worth that will accept that."

Give it a go. I thought. What have you got to lose? I thought.

I’ll tell you what I lost. I lost what everyone expected me to be.

"I’ve never seen you like this before. Are you okay?"

"Are you drunk?"

"I don’t expect you to be hurt. I know you’re better than that."

"Don’t let them put you in a box."

You say that this is what they want? They want nothing to do with this person! They want freedom from the excruciating reminder that we are human and that sometimes, I lose my grip. And I lost it. But, no longer. I will not extend myself to you anymore just to be burned again, I will not come to you in the middle of the night when I’m scared or alone, and I won’t tell you how I feel. Not just him, but everyone. You, him, and the next guy.

None of you have the faintest idea what I stepped away from to show you this side of me. Partly from depression, partly from complete and utter hope. There is no more hope. You took it all away.

"Ask for me tomorrow and you shall find me a grave man."

"Say what you think."

I am so fucking sick of this crap that people pull. This absolutely horrid desire to be completely untruthful 85% of the time. If it’s not outright lies, it’s avoiding just saying something that needs to be said. So, you want to know what I think? I’ll tell you.

I think you are absolutely full of utter shit. I think you are so wrapped up in your own wants and needs that you have given up on anyone else. Your own wants and needs don’t count? Bullshit. You ALWAYS please yourself before anyone else. You are singularly the most selfish son of a bitch I have ever met. You cannot sit there and try and bullshit me about, ‘how you really feel about everything,’ when half the time you put me off for something that is more of interest to you. You say you do not. Well, as he once said to me, ‘the proof is in the pudding.’ And you, my dear, are the black of the pudding. You feign business so you can put me off to talk to someone else, you leave me hanging so you can show her interest while giving me just enough to believe you might mean different, and you use words that are so untruthful it makes me laugh. You say you feel strongly about me? You know absolutely nothing about me.

I think this was the worst mistake I ever made. Personally. I think that believing in your bullshit was just another way of proving to myself that I am not worth what everyone believes I am. I think that I am so fucking pissed off at you right now that I want to rip your tongue out and use it as a stamp.

But I also think, you’re pathetic. I think you gave up on life because it wasn’t perfect. I think you’re too scared to go on and I’m sick of feeling like that’s something that’s just happened because of your life. You know why? Cause you’re an asshole and having shit happen to you doesn’t excuse you from being a complete and utter cocksucker.

You have not won, my dear, you will die alone. And it will ONLY be because of you.

Are you still sure you want to demand I tell you how I feel?

About my book…

So someone told me that I’m wasting my time. That homosexuality was a matter of personal opinion and to write a book about it was not going to be very productive. That it was okay to have my opinion and to even tell someone, but to push it too far would make me a dictator and not a savior.

Someone mentioned that fearing homosexuality was a natural course considering that it’s something straight humans do not understand and that me asking them to understand it was just as inaccurate as them asking me to understand homophobia.

And so I’ll say this:

It’s not your privilege to be cruel because of personal opinion, you are not granted the ability to commit hate crimes because you live in America, and you are NOT granted the right to demand someone’s change in sexuality because of your misunderstandings of male on male sex.

I am not writing this novel so that the average over pumped male can come to a suddenly enlightenment about how it feels to fear your own feelings. To hate your own self just because of some part of your sex or chemical make up.

I am writing this for them. Not you. I am writing this so that maybe when they go to school with tears in their eyes and fear twisted in their stomachs, they might be able to hold to my book or think to my book and build some sort of understanding about themselves. To give them the strength to be them, in a world where they are constantly told that they are not allowed to be themselves.

Has anyone ever told YOU not to be yourself?

2 notes

The first step.

My first attempt at moving towards my goal, starts in five hours. I’m told this Author that’s instructing me wants me to write something and read it out loud… I’ve never been so nervous. I can’t explain how this makes me feel. For being a writer, I suddenly have no words.